Elder Journal - Valentines for Widowed Persons

Elder Journal
by Paul Takayanagi

Another Valentine�s Day has come and gone. More than 35 million boxes of chocolates were purchased and given to sweethearts across the land on Monday. Millions of flowers were cut, boxed and sent as well. If you were very luxurious, you may have pampered your loved one with a night out on the town, a massage at a spa or an evening by the fireplace, just the two of you. Valentine�s Day is great�if you have a spouse, lover or special friend to share it with but it�s a difficult holiday for millions of single, older widows and widowers. It�s a reminder of love past and gone.

There are currently more than 12 million single widows and widowers over 65 years old in the United States. Ten million of them are women. Only two million are men. Men tend to remarry upon becoming widowed and within two years of their spouses dying. Women tend to remain single after their husbands die. The reason for this is rather simple. There are more women than men in the older population. Also, men tend to remarry younger women so their "selection pool" is that much larger. The average man can marry a women up to fifteen years younger than him. For women, it�s the opposite. If she remarries, then she will most likely marry a man fifteen years older. This is a huge disparity and the reason why there are millions more single women than men in the older adult population.

Many older women choose to remain single in their older years for a number of reasons. The current cohort of women over 75 years old were raised with the concept of maintaining marital loyalty to their husbands even after the men died. "I just couldn�t consider being with any other man than my husband," is a common statement said by these widows. The second reason is some long term marriages were not the storybook romances that books and movies like to depict. Many older women feel freed after years of being hemmed in by a sexist, stubborn and difficult husband. Other wives were the primary caregivers to their husbands who passed away from debilitating illnesses and don�t want to repeat the scenario with a new husband (who would probably be 15 years older than them). Another reason is, as outrageous as it sounds, many adult children of widows refuse to accept the possibility that their mothers could love another man. They may even thwart any chances of a new romance for their mothers.

Vivian was a recently widowed older woman I met when giving a speech on positive self esteem for older adults at a local women�s group. After the talk, she came up to me and told me that her husband had died the year before. They had been married forty years. She shared with me that while she loved him, he had verbally abused her for their entire marriage. He had told her that she was worthless and could never do anything right. He didn�t allow her to pursue any leisure activity without him or to work outside the home. He refused to let her drive because he was sure she would wreck the car. In the year since he died, Vivian had begun to blossom. She told me that she was going out more and making new friends. She had even learned how to drive at the age of 65 years! She was having more fun than she had ever experienced but there was one problem. Vivian felt horribly guilty for feeling so good now that she was a widow. I told her that it was unfortunate that her husband had not appreciated her and allowed her to do more while he was alive. But now that he was gone, she shouldn�t allow him to influence her negatively anymore! She should live as fully and happily as possible.

Obviously, Vivian�s case is an extreme one. Most marriages of older people are not abusive or bad ones. Most widows and widowers had strong, good and loving marriages with their spouses. Widowhood can be one of the most challenging of all life situations to cope with and heal. There are special programs for newly widowed persons offered through the American Association for Retired Persons and local agencies. Call Senior Information at (800) 510-2020 for more information. It�s important to honor loved ones on Valentine�s Day who have passed away but it�s more important to remember the living ones! If you know a single widow or widower then I hope you�ll send a card, make a phone call or write an email to her or him this week! Show them you care!

02/00

Aging Well Tomorrow Requires Living Well Today